Author Topic: motorcycle jokes  (Read 44168 times)

Offline Chris

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Re: motorcycle jokes
« Reply #30 on: January 31, 2014, 04:34:29 am »
CHRIS
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Offline Chris

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Re: motorcycle jokes
« Reply #31 on: February 09, 2014, 06:22:03 am »
Top 10 reasons Harley riders don’t wave back

1.Afraid it will invalidate warranty.
2.Leather and studs make it too hard to raise arm.
3.Refuses to wave to anyone whose bike is already paid for.
4.Afraid to let go of handlebars because they might vibrate off.
5.Rushing wind would blow scabs off new tattoos.
6.Angry because they just took out a second mortgage to paint their house orange and black.
7.Just discovered the fine print in the owner's manual and realized that their HD has a lot of Japanese parts.
8.Can't tell if other riders are waving or just reaching to cover their ears like everyone else.
9.Remembers the last time a Harley rider waved back... he impaled his hand on a spiked helmet.

And the final reason Harley riders don't wave back:
1.They're jealous that after spending $30,000 they still don't own a bike that performs any better than a 1981 Honda CM400.
« Last Edit: March 10, 2015, 08:47:39 am by Chris »
CHRIS
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Offline Chris

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Re: motorcycle jokes
« Reply #32 on: February 09, 2014, 06:23:31 am »
Top 10 reasons Goldwing riders don't wave back

1.Wasn't sure whether other rider was waving or making an obscene gesture.
2.Afraid might get frostbite if hand is removed from heated grip.
3.Has arthritis and the past 400 miles have made it difficult to raise arm.
4.Reflection from etched windshield momentarily blinded him.
5.The on-board espresso machine just finished brewing.
6.Was actually asleep when other rider waved.
7.Was in a three-way conference call with his stockbroker and his accessories dealer.
8.Couldn't find the "auto wave back" button on dashboard.
9.Was simultaneously adjusting the air suspension, seat height, programmable CD player, seat temperature and satellite navigation system.

And the final reason Goldwing riders don't wave back:
1.They couldn't see through the glare from the chromed dash accents.
CHRIS
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1978 GS1000C / 1979 GS1000S / 1981 CM400C / 1986 RG500 GAMMA / 1988 R100RS / 1991 K100RS / 1997 GSF1200 BANDIT

Offline Chris

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Re: motorcycle jokes
« Reply #33 on: February 09, 2014, 06:31:35 am »
Top 10 reasons Sport Bike riders don't wave back

1.Blow-by oncoming riders so fast, the wave is 1/4 mile down the road.
2.New leathers are so stiff can't lift his arm.
3.When tucked-in, can't see chit through the windscreen.
4.Hands are so numb, can't feel 'em.
5.Butt hurts so much the rider only wants to get to the next stop to get off the bike.
6.Afraid to raise arm for fear of getting blown off the scoot.
7.Ain't got time to wave, always stirring the 6-speed gearbox.
8.Upsets your line going through corners.
9.Slows you down a few mph.
10. Sulking because the last Harley Davidson rider passed didn't wave.

And the final reason Crotch Rocket riders don't wave back:
1.Didn't see ya' dude, was looking for my line!
« Last Edit: February 09, 2014, 06:32:39 am by Chris »
CHRIS
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Offline emd513

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Re:
« Reply #34 on: February 09, 2014, 06:44:01 am »
^^^^ lol

sent from that a%@ holes phone
03 Zr1000. Totalled
04 Zr1000. Traded
05 gsxr 600 under construction
Sent from my HTC6435LVW using Tapatalk 2
[/quote]

Offline Deuce

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Re: motorcycle jokes
« Reply #35 on: February 09, 2014, 08:13:06 am »
 :34 those are great
2006 VTX1300C 205/70/15 Hydroedge rear tire, Leatherlyke Bags, Batwing, Cobra floor boards, Vance & Hines pipes, LEDGlow, Pair Mod, Kuryakin Hypercharger Pro, Mustang seat, Cobra passing lights, Cobra Case Gaurds, 3" Fork extensions, 1800C Shocks, Cobra Tach, Custom Risers, Custom Kickstand, and a  WOLO Badboy Horn.

Offline Chris

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Re: motorcycle jokes
« Reply #36 on: February 09, 2014, 03:11:30 pm »
Top 10 reasons BMW riders don't wave back

1. They're busy still trying to figure out the wacky turn signal switches.
2. Waving might crease the color coordinated BMW riding gear.
3. They're really leery of giving raised arm salutes!
4. Busy checking with their stock brokers to see if they can afford any new accessories.
5. Forgot to enable "Friendliness" in their computerized rider aids.
6. Too busy staring at the GPS trying to figure out where they are.
7. Still recovering from the trauma of the good Bavarian beer at lunch being served in a glass instead of a ceramic stein.
8. Busy humming the tuba part of Wagner's "Flight of the Valkyries."
9. Still savoring the Münchner Schnitzel mit kartoffelsalat he had at lunch, even if the beer wasn't in the correct stein.
10. Too busy plotting to have all Harley Davidson riders sent to the camps because the one he passed didn't wave.

And the final reason BMW riders don't wave back:
1. If they waved back to one they'd have to wave back to all the peasants.
« Last Edit: February 11, 2014, 06:41:34 am by Chris »
CHRIS
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1978 GS1000C / 1979 GS1000S / 1981 CM400C / 1986 RG500 GAMMA / 1988 R100RS / 1991 K100RS / 1997 GSF1200 BANDIT

Offline gl1dinorider

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Re: motorcycle jokes
« Reply #37 on: February 09, 2014, 07:27:00 pm »
Mmmmmm. Espresso. ...
What does "riding season" mean?

Offline Chris

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Re: motorcycle jokes
« Reply #38 on: February 12, 2014, 01:29:54 pm »
How many riders does it take to change an oil filter?

How many BMW riders does it take to change the oil filter?

     -- Two: one laying on the ground doing the work (preferably at a picturesque campsite); one taking photos to post.

How many H-D riders does it take?

     -- Two: one to ask, "What's an oil filter?" and one to ask, "What, and get my new chaps dirty?"

How many Wingnuts to do the same job?

     -- Two: one to remove the LED illuminated chrome cover over the oil filter, one to switch on the auto-replacement feature.

How many trike riders would you need?

     -- Two: one to remove the filter while standing in a Jiffy Lube pit, one to hold up the front wheel.

How many sports bikers are needed?

     -- Four: a pit crew

And how many squids?

     -- None: their bikes are crashed or repossessed before the filters need changing.
« Last Edit: February 12, 2014, 01:33:18 pm by Chris »
CHRIS
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Offline Chris

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Re: motorcycle jokes
« Reply #39 on: May 20, 2014, 01:37:14 am »
I raced a Harley today and after some really hard riding I managed to PASS the guy. I was riding on one of those really, really twisting sections of a canyon road with no straight sections to speak of and where most of the curves have warning signs that say "15 MPH".

I knew if I was going to pass one of those monsters with those big-cubic-inch motors, it would have to be a place like this where handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.

I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could catch him, but it wouldn't be easy. I concentrated on my braking and cornering. Three corners later, I was on his fender. Catching him was one thing; passing him would prove to be another.

Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down the mountain. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, as I nearly got by him before he could recover. Next corner, same thing. I'd manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but when we came out he'd get on the throttle and outpower me. His horsepower was almost too much to overcome, but this only made me more determined than ever.

My only hope was to outbrake him. I held off squeezing the lever until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an instant I was by him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of his engine as he struggled to keep up.

Three more miles to go before the road straightens out and he would pass me for good.

But now I was in the lead and he would no longer hold me back. I stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the canyon, he was more than a full corner behind. I could no longer see him in my rear-view mirror.

Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more than horsepower and deep pockets, I had passed him. though it was not easy, I had won the race to the bottom of the canyon and I had preserved the proud tradition of one of the best bits of britiron.

I will always remember that moment. I don't think I've ever pedalled so hard in my life. And some of the credit must go to Raleigh cycles, as well. They really make a great bicycle...
CHRIS
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1978 GS1000C / 1979 GS1000S / 1981 CM400C / 1986 RG500 GAMMA / 1988 R100RS / 1991 K100RS / 1997 GSF1200 BANDIT

Offline skeeter

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Re: motorcycle jokes
« Reply #40 on: May 20, 2014, 02:08:06 am »
if you wrote that chris ,good writing , & just a joke . ha ha .  :happypep
if you are gonna go,go old school.

Offline Sarge

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Re: motorcycle jokes
« Reply #41 on: May 20, 2014, 06:00:20 am »
It takes a twisted mind to come up with something like that.
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Offline Chris

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Re: motorcycle jokes
« Reply #42 on: May 20, 2014, 06:29:45 am »
One day a man decided to retire…
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”
She replies, “I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank.”
“Amazing,” he notes. “You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.”
“Oh, this thing?” explains the woman. ” I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree.”
“But, where did you get the tools?”
“Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. ” On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware.”
The guy is stunned.
“Let’s row over to my place,” she says “and I’ll give you a tour.” So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Please sit down.”
“Would you like a drink?”
“No! No thank you,” the man blurts out, still dazed. “I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.”
“Oh, it’s not coconut juice,” winks the woman. “I have a still. How would you like a Jack Daniels neat?”
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
“I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There’s a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.”
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
“This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What’s next?”
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
“Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride? She stares into his eyes.
He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You mean…” he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

“You’ve built a motorcycle?”
CHRIS
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CURRENT BIKES

1978 GS1000C / 1979 GS1000S / 1981 CM400C / 1986 RG500 GAMMA / 1988 R100RS / 1991 K100RS / 1997 GSF1200 BANDIT

Offline Sarge

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Re: motorcycle jokes
« Reply #43 on: May 20, 2014, 12:50:36 pm »
Sick, sick, sick sense of humor. Where do you find these things?
Semper Fi

Offline gl1dinorider

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Re: motorcycle jokes
« Reply #44 on: May 20, 2014, 03:59:35 pm »
Sick, sick, sick sense of humor. Where do you find these things?


At least he has jokes he can tell.

Most of the jokes I know aren't fit for public display.  >:D
What does "riding season" mean?

Offline Sarge

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Re: motorcycle jokes
« Reply #45 on: May 20, 2014, 04:17:38 pm »
Most of the jokes I hear, I am unable to remember.
Semper Fi

Offline Deuce

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Re: motorcycle jokes
« Reply #46 on: May 20, 2014, 07:12:18 pm »
 :34
2006 VTX1300C 205/70/15 Hydroedge rear tire, Leatherlyke Bags, Batwing, Cobra floor boards, Vance & Hines pipes, LEDGlow, Pair Mod, Kuryakin Hypercharger Pro, Mustang seat, Cobra passing lights, Cobra Case Gaurds, 3" Fork extensions, 1800C Shocks, Cobra Tach, Custom Risers, Custom Kickstand, and a  WOLO Badboy Horn.

Offline Chris

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Re: motorcycle jokes
« Reply #47 on: May 20, 2014, 09:05:50 pm »

Not really a motorcycle joke but funny anyway.


CHRIS
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Offline Chris

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Re: motorcycle jokes
« Reply #48 on: May 20, 2014, 09:50:04 pm »
A pretty funny old Kawasaki ad:


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Offline RayMan

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Re: motorcycle jokes
« Reply #49 on: May 21, 2014, 04:20:17 pm »
I raced a Harley today and after some really hard riding I managed to PASS the guy. I was riding on one of those really, really twisting sections of a canyon road with no straight sections to speak of and where most of the curves have warning signs that say "15 MPH".

I knew if I was going to pass one of those monsters with those big-cubic-inch motors, it would have to be a place like this where handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.

I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could catch him, but it wouldn't be easy. I concentrated on my braking and cornering. Three corners later, I was on his fender. Catching him was one thing; passing him would prove to be another.

Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down the mountain. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, as I nearly got by him before he could recover. Next corner, same thing. I'd manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but when we came out he'd get on the throttle and outpower me. His horsepower was almost too much to overcome, but this only made me more determined than ever.

My only hope was to outbrake him. I held off squeezing the lever until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an instant I was by him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of his engine as he struggled to keep up.

Three more miles to go before the road straightens out and he would pass me for good.

But now I was in the lead and he would no longer hold me back. I stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the canyon, he was more than a full corner behind. I could no longer see him in my rear-view mirror.

Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more than horsepower and deep pockets, I had passed him. though it was not easy, I had won the race to the bottom of the canyon and I had preserved the proud tradition of one of the best bits of britiron.

I will always remember that moment. I don't think I've ever pedalled so hard in my life. And some of the credit must go to Raleigh cycles, as well. They really make a great bicycle...


Bahahaha

Offline gl1dinorider

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Re: motorcycle jokes
« Reply #50 on: May 21, 2014, 04:23:55 pm »
A pretty funny old Kawasaki ad:





okay, i giggled at this one.
What does "riding season" mean?

Offline Chris

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Re: motorcycle jokes
« Reply #51 on: May 23, 2014, 04:44:30 am »
« Last Edit: July 08, 2017, 09:56:12 am by Chris »
CHRIS
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1978 GS1000C / 1979 GS1000S / 1981 CM400C / 1986 RG500 GAMMA / 1988 R100RS / 1991 K100RS / 1997 GSF1200 BANDIT

Offline Chris

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Re: motorcycle jokes
« Reply #52 on: May 23, 2014, 04:35:14 pm »
« Last Edit: July 08, 2017, 09:58:01 am by Chris »
CHRIS
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Offline Deuce

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Re: motorcycle jokes
« Reply #53 on: May 26, 2014, 06:42:30 pm »
 :34
2006 VTX1300C 205/70/15 Hydroedge rear tire, Leatherlyke Bags, Batwing, Cobra floor boards, Vance & Hines pipes, LEDGlow, Pair Mod, Kuryakin Hypercharger Pro, Mustang seat, Cobra passing lights, Cobra Case Gaurds, 3" Fork extensions, 1800C Shocks, Cobra Tach, Custom Risers, Custom Kickstand, and a  WOLO Badboy Horn.

Offline RandyRocks77

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Re: motorcycle jokes
« Reply #54 on: May 26, 2014, 07:20:46 pm »
 A successful gynecologist decides to fulfill his life's dream: give up medical practice and become a motorcycle mechanic.
So he gets out of the medical business and enrolls at a mechanic's seminar with Harley Davidson.
After many weeks of training comes the final examination, taking apart and then re-assembling a randomly chosen Harley engine.
He grabs his tools and sets to work, but soon he gets worried: while he is still working on the valve-covers, everybody else is already busy with removing the cylinder heads.
He falls more and more behind, and as he is just starting to put it all back together, everybody else is already finished.
He manages to put the engine back together, barely in time before the exam ends.
Because it took him so much longer than everybody else, he goes straight to the teacher to ask how he performed.
"Well," the teacher says, "out of one hundred possible points you scored 150." "But how is that possible?" the ex-gynecologist asks.
"Well, it breaks down to this: You get fifty points for correctly taking the engine apart. And you get another fifty points for putting it back together perfectly." "And what did I get those additional fifty points for?"
"For doing it all through the exhaust."

Offline RandyRocks77

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Re: motorcycle jokes
« Reply #55 on: May 26, 2014, 07:24:23 pm »
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
 
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"

"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."

"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.

The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
 
"Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."
 
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...
 
"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley ...YOU RIDE IT!!"

Offline RandyRocks77

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Re: motorcycle jokes
« Reply #56 on: May 26, 2014, 07:26:37 pm »
Biker walks into a bar with a pig under his arm. Bartender asks "where'd ya get that?" And the pig says " I won him in a raffle."

Offline RandyRocks77

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Re: motorcycle jokes
« Reply #57 on: May 26, 2014, 07:30:04 pm »
An Irishman biker named O'Malley went to his doctor. The doctor, after an
examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and
you'd best put your affairs in order."

 O'Malley was shocked, but managed to compose himself and walk into the
waiting room, where his son, also a biker, had been waiting.

 "Well, son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate
when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer.
Let's ride the bikes to the pub and have a few pints."

 After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There
were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of
O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were
celebrating.

 O'Malley told his friends they were drinking to his impending end. "I
have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their
condolences, and they had a couple of more beers.

 After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad,
I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends
you were dying of AIDS."

 O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother after
I'm gone."

Offline RandyRocks77

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Re: motorcycle jokes
« Reply #58 on: May 26, 2014, 07:30:41 pm »

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are in Alberta. Bert always wanted a
pair of authentic Harley biker boots. So seeing some on sale one day,
he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into
the house and says to his wife, notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looks him over, 'Nope.'

Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and
walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything  different NOW?'

Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging
down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'

Furious, Bert yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope,' she replies.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING DOWN
AT MY NEW HARLEY BOOTS!!!!!'
 
To which Margaret replies... 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.

Offline RandyRocks77

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Re: motorcycle jokes
« Reply #59 on: May 26, 2014, 07:31:49 pm »
The Harley 11 Commandments!

1. The one true American-made motorcycle is the Harley-davidson, and thou shalt put no other motorcycles before it.

2. Thou shalt not bow down and worship nor serve the god of chrome; for, lo, he is a false god and will not get thy butt home.

3. Dishonor thy authorized dealer and thy hog chapter officers, and may the fleas of 1000 camels crawl on there nutsacks!

4. Remember the weekend, and keep it open. for it is written, five days shalt thou labor, and for two days shalt thou ride thy Harley, drink beer, and "potty mouth! " off.

5. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Harley, nor her manservant, nor her maidservant, nor her ox, nor her cute little ass.

6. From the throne of thine Harley, thou shalt not stoop to wave at sinners who ride jap-crap, for jap-crap is known to be the handiwork of the devil.

7. Thou shalt not pass by nor turn away from thy brother Harley rider who is in mechanical distress.

8. Thou shalt not pose. verily, i say unto you, it is easier for a poser to pass his gold visa card through the eye of a needle than to enter into the true fellowship of Harley-davidson heaven.

9. When riding thy Harley on the road of life, thou shalt not whine nor snivel, and thou shalt not suffer to ride alongside those who do.

10. Park not thy Harley in the darkness of thine garage, that it may collect dust for want of being oft ridden. ride thy Harley with thy brethren, and rejoice in the spirit of the road.

11. Let not thy Biker Babe go pantyless for she may stick to your Harley.